Eric’s question: Breaking the cycle of food-related tension in family visits

Dear Eric: My brother-in-law lives in another state and we only see him once a year. He loves to cook and puts a lot of time and effort into preparing good meals for us. The problem is, I can’t eat as much as he thinks I should.

My husband and I eat two meals a day. His brother prepares us three big meals a day. I’m a small person and I just can’t eat all that food, so I take small portions of everything. And she constantly complains about how little I eat and I don’t have to eat more because I don’t like food. The food is usually good and I always tell him that.

Because of this constant harassment, I hate going there. The last time I was there, he got so upset that I didn’t eat more that he raised his voice to criticize me. I was stunned. I told my husband I would never go back, but his brother is his only close relative alive and he thinks I should forget what happened. I know if I go back he’ll do the same thing because he’s been doing it for 10 years. My husband has never resisted her because he doesn’t want to jeopardize their relationship.

– Saturated

Dear Fed Up: Put your foot down and put your fork down. Your brother-in-law’s hospitality is a nice gesture that is completely ruined by his caustic behavior. How is anyone supposed to enjoy a meal with someone yelling at them?

You are right not to want to submit to this anymore. At first, it seemed like your brother-in-law was an over-enthusiastic host, letting his love of food and anxiety about getting it right get over the table. But this behavior ultimately seems more controlling than anything else.

Be clear with your husband that this is behavior you cannot accept. You don’t just have to forget. You don’t have to eat anything you don’t want to and that includes eating crow. If he is determined to return, he can talk to his brother about the terrible reactions. It sounds like the sibling relationship is also unhealthy, so your husband might struggle with this question, but it’s important. You can put up with one awkward visit a year, sure, but that goes beyond just grinning and supporting.

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Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow it up Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.