Setting boundaries with unruly guests and friends

Dear Eric:

We have a dilemma that may seem trivial, but it’s driving us crazy. We are lucky enough to have a holiday home on a small island. Water is relatively expensive. While we enjoy hosting extended family, an older relative is getting ready to do the dishes by hand, even though we have an excellent dishwasher.

The residual hot water is incredible, it is allowed to flow while the person talks and tells stories. And it’s late to start. We gently tried to redirect them. “I don’t want to burden you.” But they reply that there is “something I can do to help”. They reject the fact that the car is more efficient.

No other chores make sense due to physical limitations and they just refuse to socialize. It burns to accept the cost of money and the cost of the environment to accommodate a person’s self-esteem. We even try to find a fictional reason to build a border. Do you have any ideas to change the stubborn beliefs of an elderly person who accumulate costs for us?

– Waste water

Dear Water:

There’s a classic Shel Silverstein poem, “How to Stop Doing the Dishes,” in which the instruction to avoid the chore is simple: do a chore so bad they won’t let you do it. Ironically, you face the opposite problem: this person is doing a bad job and won’t stop.

This may not be an issue of self-esteem or stubbornness. This could be a person who truly believes they are helping, despite all evidence to the contrary. Try not to focus too much on age. Let the actions speak for themselves, not a generation.

The gentle suggestion didn’t work, so you’ll need to be more firm about your boundary. A sign on the sink that reads “Do not wash dishes, please. It costs too much’ might be clear enough. Or even a direct conversation stating that you appreciate your relative’s generosity and do not want them to feel unwelcome, but you no longer allow anyone to wash dishes in the house and you will feel disrespected if these wishes are not honored.

The relative may protest or feel hurt, but there is no harm in standing up for what you want. Hospitality is as much about what one thinks should happen as it is about what the guest or host needs. Provide a welcoming home and clear parameters. Your relative needs to stop fawning over you or risk being considered rude. It’s not a complete sentence, even in response to a supposedly nice gesture.

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Dear Eric:

I have a friend who is an angry and impatient driver. On a recent trip, he was the driver and it was a very stressful experience for his passengers. He swore at other drivers, slammed on the brakes, screamed loudly in the car.

He’s also the type of person who is impatient with wait staff, takes change out of a cashier’s hand, complains about parking, gets mad at too many people in a store, and gets really angry when asked to quiet down . Normally other members of our party try to ignore it or just say “that’s the way he is” but after this last trip I’m wondering if you can give some suggestions on what we can say and how we can act when we feel uncomfortable . with his behavior.

– Calm down, friend

Dear Calm:

With respect, I’m not sure why you’re still friends with this person. That is not a doubt about you. Rather, this person’s behavior is clearly antisocial and worrisome. It’s hard to see an upside to friendship.

This may be the result of a psychological or emotional problem. If so, help is available if he will accept it. Try to talk to him about it in a calm moment. Acknowledge his feelings – frustration, anger, etc. – while telling him how his behavior affects those around him.“When (x) happened, I felt scared/stressed/uncomfortable. It’s worrying for me and I feel like it’s negatively affecting our friendship. When we’re together, I want to feel (x) in return.”

You can also use this opportunity to set a non-negotiable limit on what you will be a part of. If you don’t feel safe riding in a car with your friend, say so. And follow that statement with action. Don’t get in the car.

If you feel it’s inappropriate to treat servers rudely (which it is) and you won’t be dining with him if he does that, tell him that too. Encourage him to talk to a professional, either through one-on-one counseling or in an anger management support group online or in person.

They may not see their anger as a problem. He may see this as a legitimate response to a world that has not lived up to his expectations. He’s within his rights, but his actions have repercussions and it’s important to let him know about them and give him a chance to change.