How do I get along with my family during the holidays?

Sabrina Carpenter might have said it best: “My relatives always know what to say to get me off my feet.”

Holidays can be joyous. But they can also be a time of great stress.

Between shopping for gifts, taking final exams, or wrapping up loose ends at work, some people find their nerves frayed before even visiting—or hosting—family members. Parents and their adult children can find it especially difficult to get along at this time of year.

Fortunately, University of Virginia assistant professor of nursing and mental health psychiatry Lee Moore has tips on how to prevent and manage conflict for both parents and children during the holiday season, to keep it festive rather than stuffy.

“The holidays are definitely an exciting time, and I mean that in both senses of the word,” Moore said.

Moore spoke with UVA Today to offer tips for enjoying the holidays with minimal conflict.

Set expectations early

“It sounds easy, but that doesn’t necessarily make it an easy process,” Moore said.

Still, he said it might be what families find most helpful as they spend time together.

Some parents or guardians may welcome a child back home after their first semester of college. During the month-long break, that student probably doesn’t think about the fact that other members of the household may have to get up early for work or other appointments. Setting a curfew would be inappropriate, but it’s fair game to ask your adult child to be quiet after a certain time.

Hold the Line

As cliché as it sounds, setting and maintaining boundaries within your family is essential.

“When you go back to your family home as an adult, both you and your parents can feel like you’re 12 again,” Moore said. “It’s important to remember that you’re not.”

If you’re returning to your childhood home for a rare visit, it means it’s okay to take some time away from your family to see an old friend. For parents, it is reasonable to expect that your child adult to contribute to the family in an adequate way, whether it is picking up the grocery bill or doing some chores around the house.

Compartmentalize

Sometimes family members will ask questions you don’t want to answer. Whether it’s a new tattoo, the job search or an area of ​​political disagreement, Moore said it can be helpful to avoid certain topics with family members.

“I have a lot of patients who are in their 20s, at that point of, ‘What do I do now?'” Moore said, “It can be a time of year when, to some degree, compartmentalization might be. be a healthy thing.”

In other words, it’s okay to say, “I’d rather not talk about that,” and change the subject.

Pick your battles

You may want to talk to your relatives. about something you know might be difficult for them to handle. Before entering into this conversation, think about what you want to get out of it and how you can expect your family to respond.

“I believe in honesty and openness,” Moore said. “That being said, the individual … knows his family pretty well. I would ask if they ultimately get out of it what they think will help them.”

If your mom talked you into looking for a job, for example, it’s best not to bring that up.

Think about how you usually spend your time

When grown children return home for the holidays, it’s easy for their parents or guardians to revert to when their children lived with them full-time. The same goes for grown children, who may forget that their parents’ lives have changed since they moved.

Adult children may not mind the noise they make if they come home late at night. Similarly, parents may have become accustomed to a quieter, more peaceful home, even as they welcome the return of their children. It is important for each party to consider the other and for parents to treat their children as adults.

“If you’re a parent or guardian, meet your child where they are developmentally,” Moore said.

Get out of the situation

Sometimes conflict breaks out despite your best efforts.

“Getting out of the situation, metaphorically or literally, may be the safest option,” Moore said.

This can mean changing the subject, refusing to talk about a certain topic, or even offering to do an errand as an excuse to leave a certain environment.

Conflict doesn’t have to be a bad thing

While Moore said there’s nothing wrong with escapism sometimes, conflict isn’t inherently bad. In fact, it might be the healthiest option.

“Conflict itself is not a good or bad thing. That’s the purpose behind it,” Moore said.

A difficult conversation can be an opportunity for relatives to resolve their differences, or at least understand where each other are coming from.