Eric’s question: How to handle aggressive friends in social and public settings

Dear Eric: I have a friend who is an angry and impatient driver. On a recent trip, he was the driver and it was a very stressful experience for his passengers. He swore at other drivers, slammed on the brakes, screamed loudly in the car.

He’s also the type of person who is impatient with wait staff, takes change out of a cashier’s hand, complains about parking, gets mad at too many people in a store, and gets really angry when asked to quiet down . Normally other members of our party try to ignore it or just say “that’s the way he is” but after this last trip I’m wondering if you can give some suggestions on what we can say and how we can act when we feel uncomfortable . with his behavior.

– Calm down, friend

Dear Calm: With respect, I’m not sure why you’re still friends with this person. That is not a doubt about you. Rather, this person’s behavior is clearly antisocial and worrisome. It’s hard to see an upside to friendship.

This may be the result of a psychological or emotional problem. If so, help is available if he will accept it. Try to talk to him about it in a calm moment. Acknowledge his feelings – frustration, anger, etc. – while telling him how his behavior affects those around him. “When (x) happened, I felt scared/stressed/uncomfortable. It’s worrying for me and I feel like it’s negatively affecting our friendship. When we’re together, I want to feel (x) in return.”

You can also use this opportunity to set a non-negotiable limit on what you will be a part of. If you don’t feel safe riding in a car with your friend, say so. And follow that statement with action. Don’t get in the car.

If you feel it’s inappropriate to treat servers rudely (which it is) and you won’t be dining with him if he does that, tell him that too. Encourage him to talk to a professional, either through one-on-one counseling or in an anger management support group online or in person.

They may not see their anger as a problem. He may see this as a legitimate response to a world that has not lived up to his expectations. He’s within his rights, but his actions have repercussions and it’s important to let him know about them and give him a chance to change.

Read more Asking Eric and other advice columns.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow it up Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.